Citizen Kane is overrated as all hell.

Look up pretty much any list of the best films of all time and see what's sitting pretty at the top.  Go ahead, I'll wait.

You didn't even do it, did you?  No, you didn't, because you already knew what was going to be there.  To be fair, the title of this post kinda gives it away, but you still would have assumed that the top spot on any given list of best all-time movies was Citizen Kane.

I'm not going to dismiss Citizen Kane outright.  I would put it at the top of quite a few lists.  "Best Movies Where the Answer to the Pressing Question That Drives the Plot Is a Fucking Sled," maybe.  "Best First Filmmaking Efforts by Orson Welles," definitely.  And without a doubt, it would go in the top five positions of "My Picks for Most Overrated Movies of All Time."

You might be thinking to yourself, "Well, at least it would be the best movie released in 1941, right?"  Do you even know what other movies came out in 1941?  Dumbo came out in 1941.  Mr. & Mrs. Smith came out in 1941.  The Wolfman, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, THE MALTESE FUCKING FALCON came out in 1941.

Now, if you've seen any of those other movies, and you've seen Citizen Kane, I want you to answer me honestly: if you were stuck on a deserted island with only one movie to watch for the rest of your life, which would you pick?  If one of the movies on the short list you could choose from was the greatest film of all time, it would be an easy choice, wouldn't it?

I've seen Manos: The Hands of Fate several dozen times.  I've seen Troll 2 at least three or four times.  I've seen Citizen Kane once.  I have no desire to watch it again.

Although I've only seen Kane once, I have seen the first 20-30 minutes of it three times, because the first two times I tried to watch it I literally fell asleep on my couch.  The movie is relentlessly boring.  It may have been a technical marvel at the time, but it's so slow and dull and I simply don't care about any of the characters.  I've seen apologists describe its dreadful performance upon release as a consequence of it being ahead of its time.  I submit that it was a bomb because it wasn't entertaining.

And listen, I know the history behind its production.  I know the technical innovations it brought to the table.  I don't deny its influence.  I simply deny its greatness.  Don't even bother trying to convince me otherwise, because I've heard all of the arguments and I have found them all wanting.

The worst, and possibly most common, argument I've heard in favor of Kane?  "You just didn't get it.  Here's a bunch of information that's a prerequisite for enjoying it.  Now go watch it again."  No.  Fuck you.  Go boil your head in oil, you pompous ass.

What, you don't like tripe?  Tripe is amazing.  It's made from cow's stomach.  People in the UK used to eat it a whole lot, but now they really don't anymore.  Tastes have simply changed as the country became more affluent.  But if you understand why people liked it in its heyday you'll really have an appreciation for it.  Now go eat some tripe.